One day about 5 years ago, I was out walking my dog, feeling utterly overwhelmed with life, and having a good ol’ sob. I went into my Podcasts app and searched the word ‘Overwhelmed’ and a podcast by the Life Coach School popped up which seemed to fit my struggles perfectly.
The massive takeaway I had from listening to this podcast with Brooke Castillo (and the message that runs throughout all of her hundreds of podcasts) was as simple as this:
Our THOUGHTS control our FEELINGS
Our FEELINGS control our ACTIONS
Our ACTIONS control our RESULTS
SO simple. That’s it. Yet it blew my mind. I had spent my life up until that point thinking that I had no control over my feelings – being ruled by them, and blindly accepting them. And that of course had an impact on those around me, and on my own mental state. It sounds ridiculous now I write this, but I had never really acknowledged that I could actually choose my thoughts in a way that would leave to far fewer negative emotions.
After hearing that initial podcast, I began to recognise the specific thoughts that were triggering my negative feelings, and started to take more ownership of those thoughts, and reframe and redirect them as much as I could. And the negative feelings began to disappear. It was such a relief to know that I always had the option not to react, not to be triggered, not to get upset, not to take something personally. My relationships with family improved (even they tell me that they noticed quite a big difference!), my general mood lifted, and life just became a bit easier for me and for those around me. Of course there are a lot of times when I still let my negative automatic thoughts run away with me, but I’m much better at reining them back in, and redirecting them these days, which – funnily enough - makes for a much more enjoyable life for myself and my family!
You may be reading this and finding it hard to believe that I hadn’t realised this connection between thoughts/feelings/actions until my mid-thirties, but I grew up in a pretty fiery household, where drama and shouting were just accepted as part of everyday life. And so I don’t believe that I ever learnt any mind management as a child/young adult. I thought feelings were just something that happened to us.
To those of you who figured this out sooner than I did, I’m so happy for you!
But for any of you who still feel unable to control emotions, feel overwhelmed, out of control, or exhausted and perhaps defined by what might be negative automatic thoughts, I’d love to reassure you that it’s possible at ANY stage of life to learn these skills, and become more mindful of your THOUGHTS, their impact on how you FEEL, how you ACT, and the RESULTS you get.
The more I thought about this concept and applied it to all sorts of different areas of my life, the better I felt. And I became slightly obsessed and wanted to spread the word to those who hadn’t yet figured it out. So I decide to become a life coach. And what I’ve discovered over these past couple of years is that people fall into two camps: 1) Those who haven't fully understood how much control they have over their thoughts and feelings, and 2) Those who already understand it, but often need a reminder!
Thoughts are SELF-MADE Thoughts are not INVEVITABLE THOUGHTS affect our MOOD. Not the other way around!
Simple Exercise to unpick and reframe thoughts/feelings.
Grab a notebook and pen, and set a timer for 5 or 10 minutes. Then answer these questions in your notebook and see what comes up. Try it for as many different emotions as you like! Very simple, but very powerful. What is a negative feeling I’ve had recently? What might have been the thought(s) that triggered that feeling? What is a more helpful thought to have in its place? What is the emotion that NEW thought creates in my body?
I’m so thankful that I found that podcast, 5 years ago, and for the impact it had on my life. And now I absolutely love helping others learn to manage their own thoughts, and create a happier life. Get in touch if you would like to chat about how I can help you do the same.
Jules.X
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